Cunning Quotes

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2006-02-26T19:56:00.000Z

Have moved. Got the wordpress version up and running over here: http://www.susanhatedliterature.net/quotes. You'll be able to register yourself over there, as well as rate the quotes.

The head on you

2006-02-26T13:38:00.000Z

Copernicus avoids yesterdays riots, luckily as:

I have one of those heads which attracts the unwanted attentions of rioting scumbags, at whom I cannot help but look with frank bourgeois disapproval when I see fuckbaggery in progress

Nice bit of rump?

2006-02-24T09:26:00.000Z

Irish Strangler isn't quite sure if the new PETA campaign is achieving its aim:

is it just me or does this photo actually make you look at Jodie Marsh and think “umm - her arse would be nice fried with a bit of butter and some garlic”.

Cat Brains...

2006-02-22T15:16:00.000Z

Ursula V has a mousing cat. It's been keeping her awake with its murderous activities:

My mental vision of the inside of Athena's head is a kind of vaulted bone cathedral, columns of mandible and cheekbone soaring upwards to the arching buttresses of sinus cavities, cobalt light streaming in through two rose window eyes, the floor cleft by irregular stairways of palate and spine. It's an open, airy place, in which the lone brain cell, clad in tiny monkish robes, solemnly reads out the liturgy, and paces through the vast emptiness, lighting tiny synapse-torches and praying to the God of Cat Brains* and hoping in quiet desperation that some day they'll send him an acolyte.

And yet, somehow...she catches mice. Go figure.

*A deity which makes atheism easy

Excercies you may want to avoid

2006-02-21T14:00:00.000Z

Kyknoord ponders the mysteries of pet-ownership:

I tried to call back, because I wanted to find out why he called in the first place and I was dead keen to discover the outcome of the bowel-blocking exercise, but his phone was off.

In advance of technology

2006-02-21T09:03:00.000Z

Luke is having technology trouble, so FM offers an explanation (read the post for context):

Today's electronic equipment can sense this, they fear you, and so they spurn you

What you find, hanging around.

2006-02-20T15:24:00.000Z

That Girl Who Writes Stuff meets the woman who is to train her in. Read on (click on the source) for more fun:

It just hung there.

A big, saggy, old lady breast the size of my head.

She hadn’t noticed.

And kept talking.

And talking.

And talking.

My co-worker finally coughed and the woman saw what we were looking at.

“Oh. That,” she said, and rolled it back up.

How big is your garden

2006-02-14T23:27:00.000Z

Auds suggests this great line from Planet Potato:

I doubt any Irish farmer has ever looked into his back garden to see a dozen townies in brightly coloured raingear milling about in his shrubbery.

The Blunt

2006-02-14T14:06:00.000Z

It is almost worth the pain of listening to james Blunt if we get to read comments like Forgottenmachine's:

In fact, I think he might have wet himself. Either that, or his balls have finally exploded from the constant straining of that ridiculous voice.

Bang, Bang, my VP shot me down

2006-02-13T09:11:00.000Z

Crooked Timber on the Cheney shooting. Read the post(click on source) for more:

Cheney: Wanna know what I’m buyin’ Ringo?
Harry: What?
Cheney: Your life. I’m givin’ you that quail so I don’t hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
Harry: I’m a lawyer. What do you think?

NonFame

2006-02-12T18:06:00.000Z

Pretty Good Year on the overly famous. You really should read the whole post (click on the source below):

the words ‘Brad Pitt’, ‘Angelina Jolie’, and ‘Jennifer Aniston’ shall never, ever be mentioned here again - those people are dead to me. I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with exclusive interviews detailing how Baby Afghanistan and little Maddox feel about the upcoming arrival of ~~Angelina’s latest accessory~~ their newest sibling, followed by Jen’s teary responses (often given while promoting dud movies, in which she does her best Rachel Green impression)

Thou shalt not commit musicdultry

2006-02-12T17:57:00.000Z

Realitycheck(dot)ie on marrying music and having babies. Click on the source for context.

I disagree on numerous levels - Rufus is not that good and I’d be committing musical adultery as I’m marrying Caoimhín Vallely’s music and having loads of little tinkling babies

Penalty Smacks!

2006-02-10T15:02:00.000Z

The strangler applies some thought to how to stop speeding:

Give public penalty smacks for speeding. Yes - instead of penalty points, which to be honest no-one gives a toss about, the Gardai should pull down your trousers, or hoist up your skirt and give you two good smacks for every offence. Right there on the side of the road. If you disagreed with their judgement you could have a day in court, and if you were vindicated you could smack the Garda back outside the courthouse

Good advice?

2006-02-09T13:07:00.000Z

Patry is tempted to overindulge:

So, okay, none of this is particularly bad advice, but the trouble is it's all addressed to the ROYAL ME. And as we all know, the royal me is insatiable. Give her vitamins and roses, and next month she'll want diamonds and trips to the spa. The worst part is, the more you cater to the royal me, the more her discontent multiplies.

Flaming Nora

2006-02-07T14:16:00.000Z

Off the Meatrack salutes Alf Stewart:

Remember that one episode of Home and Away where Alf Stewart was going to kill himself, and he was visited by an aboriginal angel who showed him what Summer Bay would be like if he commited suicide, and it was like a Mad Max post-apocolyptic hell hole where kids ran wild in the streets, disrespecting their elders and littering with blatant disregard for morals and laws? One man was all that prevented that quaint seaside town from descending into chaos. One Man.

Alf Stewart, surf club manager, peacekeeper and legend
Flaming nora.

Is your spelling guilty?

2006-02-06T20:34:00.000Z

Anne on how she found something under the bed was drooling:

Suddenly realizing how important their message to the world was, everybody started blogging, and approximative grammar, along with spelling that has to be completely illegal in several countries, started spreading faster than seasonal grumpiness around Valentine's Day

Shudder-ific

2006-02-06T09:40:00.000Z

Jennifer tries to turn the world off cheese:

If one chooses to consume this treasure of frommage, there does exists a risk of enteric myiasis: intestinal larval infection. Piophila casei larvae have been known to pass through the stomach alive (human stomach acids don't usually kill the little buggers) and hang out in the intestines. Once there, they can cause serious lesions as they attempt to bore through the intestinal walls. Symptoms include nausea, vomiting, pain in the abdomen, and bloody diarrhea

Cat attack

2006-02-05T14:12:00.000Z

Ursula (creator of Digger) has an encounter with her cat:

"If anyone asks," I told James, "I'm telling them my husband beats me with the cat."

More on Denmark

2006-02-03T12:59:00.000Z

Irish Eagle's pondering on vexillology:

Watching last night's news report of the protests against Denmark in some Middle Eastern country, I couldn't help wondering where they got the Danish flags? Do these countries have large warehouses full of flags for just such an emergency? Or maybe they have teams of seamstresses whose primary function is to produce flags of offending countries when necessary?

Edited to add:
The above post has also been quoted by Internet Commentator, and it is worth quoting from the comments section there, as J. Cassian says

As someone who dabbled in a bit of amateur pyromania as a teenager, I've got to say I really admire Middle Eastern flag-burning skills. It takes consummate professionalism to wave around a flaming banner like that without setting light to your own billowing robes. They may not be leading the world in any other scientific field, but as far as the thermodynamics of vexillogy goes, no one can touch them. Respect due.

Controversial cartoons

2006-02-03T12:52:00.000Z

gosub3000 on the current cartoon issue:

"We're not terrorists, and to prove it we'll be shooting and bombing people, and generally acting in a threatening manner".

I wonder if there would be so much outrage had the Buddha been used instead of Mohammed? I reckon the Buddhists of the world would have said, "Pfft! Whatever!" before going back to their meditation

Cat Lady

2006-02-02T10:41:00.000Z

Open Secrets reports on her weekend of shopping:

A single woman approaching her 30th birthday who wants a cat, you say? A woman nearly 30 who lives on her own and wants a cat and wears fluffy slippers and steals furniture from bins and puts her CDs in alphabetical order and writes about herself on the internet while taking pictures of herself wearing a bike helmet? And this woman is single? What are the odds

Ipods and solos

2006-02-01T11:54:00.000Z

FM suggests this Suzanna Danna quote, you may want to read all the post for conext:

Self: Hi tune… this is a bucket.
Tune: Yo, what’s up bucket?
Self: Tune, please, oh please get in the bucket so that I may carry you.
Tune: I would have to say hell to the no.

Smallville discussions

2006-02-01T11:00:00.000Z

In the comments section of BitchBitchwhinewhine..., NM's blog, Kelly discovers a brand new affliction:

let's just say - from a purely clinical standpoint - that Tom Welling is anatomically symmetrical enough to catch the eye. Does he disgust you because of his poor acting? Or are you secretly in sweaty lust with him and don't want to admit it? A deep-down Tomosexual? C'mon. You're amongst friends.

Intelligent Design

2006-02-01T10:28:00.000Z

The intelligent design "discussion" hits the SFX forums, and jwusher says:

if we were created by God, why do men have nipples? The only answer is, because we were created in His image.
So why does God have nipples?

Sexy-ass scruffiness

2006-02-01T10:27:00.001Z

Andi reveals her crush on what I like to call greasy-studliness, in the form of Sawyer from Lost:

Both of these boys appeal to me with their sweetish southern characters and sexy-ass scruffiness. Because scruff is where it's at. I don't know about you ladies, but I imagine they'd be the type to throw down in the kitchen for dessert. Maybe it's just me.

Check-in hassle

2006-02-01T10:27:00.000Z

Alan burbles about a check in experience:

Girl at Other Check-in Desk: What is the name of the passenger?
Girl at My Check-in Desk: Sharp
GAOCD: Which one, there are two on the flight.
GAMCD: Sharp, A
GAOCD: They both start with A. Is it Alan or Alison?

????

Alison????

Do I look like a %@!&ing Alison?????

Pizza Problems

2006-02-01T10:26:00.000Z

Non Vocabulum on the subject of pizza:

They have these walk-in specials that you can't beat even with the help of an L.A. cop. As he's getting to the end of this pizza, I spot a wiry thing on the crust of the last piece. It looks like the pubic hair of Bigfoot

Intro

2006-02-01T10:25:00.000Z

Inspired by the metaquotes community on LJ I've decided to keep a list of my favourite quotes from other people's blogs. Feel free to add your own favourites in the comments section.